The Last Laugh! / The Last Battle!
by centaurderoma
Summary: It's a comedy and it started out as a emotionally and dramatic piece of writing, until Oonagh came along and read it and twisted it to become a comedy. It's about the last duel between Harry and Voldemort. WHO WILL WIN??? Is this the end of civilization??
1. Chapter 1!

Authors Note: I have reloaded this story because I wasn't getting any reviews!

And the only way ur going to get the ending is by sending in reviews.

Centaurderoma

The Last Battle! 

By Catherine Mallon + (co-writer) Oonagh Mallon

Chapter 1

There he stood face to face with the most feared wizard in the world. He made havoc for five years wherever he went trying to find Harry Potter and his family.

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Yes Harry had graduated from Hogwarts, 2years ago. Marrying Ginny Weasley and having two children, a boy and a girl, they were called Harry (junior) Potter, 3, and Hermonie Potter, 1.

They lived a happy life under the fidilus charm, because of Voldemort being after Harry and now his and Ginny's children.

*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*

Harry stood there looking at Voldemort as though something had cradle down his throat and died.

"So Harry…" said Voldemort malicious voice "…We meet again and for the last time." 

"True, true, wassssssuuuuupppp!" said harry with amusement in his voice, "But this time is the last time because this time we duel to the death even though we say that all the time, I mean it now, its over." Voldemort looked heart broken and broke down into tears, "and I WILL bring you down for good."

"Oh, I don't think so Potter," said Draco, who was Voldemorts second, "You wouldn't even stand a chance against my master. He is more powerful than 2 years back."

"That's enough Malfoy," sneered Voldemort, "Leave your anger for the fight."

"Oh, no Malfoy" said Harry "Tell me more."

"Oh shut up Potter, you are acting like a two year old, your daugher is more clever than you" sneered Malfoy.

"Malfoy" says Voldemort angrily "Lets get this done and over with so we can get home to bed."

Harry, Dumbledore and Herimone all vomits at the most digusting thought ever.

"Fine, then" said Harry "call your second and third (A/N; I know that there is no meant o be a third but what the heck)."

"Malfoy is my second and Wormtail is my third." Said Voldemort "And yours?"

"Albus Dumbledore is my second and my third is Hermonie Granger." Replies Harry.


	2. Chapter 2!

The Last Battle! By Catherine Mallon

Chapter 2

"Albus Dumbledore's my second and my third is Hermonie Granger." Said Harry.

"Well, well" says Voldemort "Albus Dumbledore is your second, well that'll be interesting."

"Won't it" says Harry

"Indeed" replies Voldemort "So, what kind of weapons are we aloud to use?"

"Our wands" says Harry "AND all weapons from our ancestors Gordric Gryffindor and Salzar Slytherin. And that is all."

"Shall we commence?" says Voldemort.

And at that Voldemort and Harry started throwing curses at each other. Then out of now Ginny, Ron and a group of old Gryffindors evaporated to the side of the duel holding up an old poster saying 'Potter for President' and started shouting "Go Harry, go Harry!"

Malfoy was angry that Voldemort wasn't getting as much support so he transfigured a couple of stones into Death Eaters and they started shouting "Go Vodemort, Go Voldemort!"

Dumbledore frowned, just as Fred and George came into the clearing and up to Voldemort with a biscuit and a cup of tea they asked "Excuse Moldywarts, would you like a cup of tea and biscuit."

*In a posh, snobby, English accent* Voldemort replied "Oh sorry but I'm busy at the moment, and any way I couldn't eat a biscuit, I'm trying to watch my figure."

Fred and George replied to Voldemort (And if you have not seen Father Ted then you won't get this at all) "Ack ya will, ya will, ya will, ya will, ya will"

"No, I couldn't" said Voldemort "but you can come around to my house tomorrow if you like, I'm having a tea party for the celebration of killing Harry." And at that Harry sent the Jelly Legs curse at Voldemort who fell over, smack on his face and cried out "OH NO…….., my beautiful figure, its ruined. What am I going to do? You will pay for that Potter with all your money to get it fixed with a plastic surgeon." And at that everyone except, Wormtail, Malfoy and the Death Eaters, burst out laughing in hysterics at Voldemort's problem and made him run away.

"Oh, I cant live with him being so vein." Said Hermonie and raised her wand crying "Avada Kedavra!" and laughing like a mad manic.

Malfoy steps forward and shouts over to Hermonie "Hey now you're the new Dark Mistress"

"I am" says Hermonie quizzically "But how, I cant be I'm a good person, I wouldn't hurt anyone with magic"

Harry looks stunted and stammered out "You…You…You… cant be the new Dark Mistress."

Hermonie turns around and says "Why, can I not be the new Dark Mistress harry?"

"You're my friend… and I will have to……." And Harry breaks down in tears.


	3. Chapter 3!

The Last Battle!

Chapter3!

Freeze Frame: Harry is crouching on the ground crying. Dumbledore is standing over Harry's shoulder. The group of Ex-Gryffindors are standing in shock. Hermonie is standing opposite Harry looking powerful and defined. Ron and Draco are cowering behind Hermonie.

_Over voice: On the last show, we saw Hermonie break free from the almighty, super trio, after she defeated the Dark Lord and was named the new Dark Mistress. What will become of our favorite trio?_

Continued… 

"Oh Harry, what nonsense you talk" shouted Hermonie, "why cant I not be the Dark Mistress?"

"Hermonie, Hermonie, Hermonie," said Dumbledore, speaking up at last, "Are you sooo stupid?"

"No I'm not stupid, u twit," shouted Hermonie, "why haven't you said piles and piles and piles of times that I'm the most cleverest witch to past through Hogwarts, so why cant I be the new dark mistress" huffed Hermonie.

"true, true, whhaaassssuuuuupppppp!!!!!!!" shouted Dumbledore.

*In an American accent* "like you know Dumbledore, like that joke is sooo old," said Draco, "like Harry said that so like chapter1, like that was so ages ago, like, like, like last century, come on man, get your own jokes you know, talk to the face because the hand doesn't want to know."

Harry speaks up in this chapter at last "can some one get a tranculiser gun and shoot him like" under his breath "oh shit its like contaguse, like, like, like, like, like" now speaking out he says "like man hes driving me crazy."

"BANG!!! With a crash of light, 'I drive you crazy, I just cant see.'" There was Britany in a black gouch dress, oh sorry the wrong fan fiction, Posh take the dust bin to the right.

Right where were we yes there was Britany, wearing a red catsuit *sexy* then came the sound of a chain saw and there lying on the ground was Britany and Draco.

"Why cant I be the Dark Mistress" Hermonie huffed, folding her arms, "I want to be the Dark Mistress, I want to be the Dark Mistress, please Harry, I wont try to kill you, I'll leave that to Draco."

"Excuse me" says Harry "haven't you noticed, Draco's dead."

~*~*~

A/N. Thanks all who's been reviewing and well lets just say I'm having trouble with the last chapter which isn't the next chapter.

Terra - Thanks for the advice. And I hoped you liked this chapter!

Thecoffeebringer() – Thanks and well most of the jokes come from the disturbing parts.

La2ur2a – you will finally find out who will win in the end. (Some Time)

Layla() – You can go to bed but I'm not finished my story.


	4. Chapter 4!

A/N; Sorry guys for taking so long to get this chapter up! But at least I got it eventually up!  
  
Centaurderoma  
  
Chapter4!  
  
"I want, I want, I want to be the Dark Mistress," said Hermonie bursting out into tears like a toddler of two years old.  
  
"Go to your room Miss Granger" said Dumbledore, pointing of the stage.  
  
"No!" shouted Hermonie "you go" casting the banishing spell at Dumbledore and he glided of the stage.  
  
"I'm going to be the Dark Mistress Harry, if you like it or not, so there." Said Hermonie.  
  
  "No Hermonie, you cant be, it'll be a total tragedy." Said Harry.  
  
TRAGEDY!!!  
  
On come 8people, a group of 5looking like geeks and 3groovie men, dressed in 70's clothes. Singing Tragedy, then Paul (from the Beegies) hits Fae (from Steps).  
  
"That gets you back for ruining our song" he said.  
  
"Our version is better"  
  
"No way"  
  
"I can't stand this" says a male voice, and then came a sound of a chain saw. Than there was a puff of smoke and when the smoke cleared there was 8 heads on stakes.  
  
"Who keeps doing that?" asked Harry, "I had actually liked Claire from Steps, she was really cute before she was beheaded."  
  
"I liked H" spoke Angelina "he was brill in bed"  
  
"If you want to know he's my hired hit man" said Hermonie, "I had just decided to kill people who I didn't like since I'm going to be the Dark Mistress. But I actually did like the Beegies, they were so much better than Steps, I better go punish him for killing them" stated Hermonie.  
  
Ron spoke up (I atually thought he had disappeared since we haven't seen him in yonkes) "Honey whos these mystery men? Are you having an affair with him?"  
  
*cheesy music*  
  
Overvoice: OMG!!! Who's the Mystery Man? Is Hermonie having an affair with him? Why do I always ask questions? Why? Oh Why? 


	5. THE (First) OF THE GRAND FANALY!

Thanks all for reviewing my last chapter. Sorry for not putting any more chapters up, but well here is the next.

Centaurderoma 

Chapter 5!

"Do you think I would go with someone so ugly like my hit man?!?" said Hermonie.

Hoover, Hoover (I'm getting more descriptive) the sound of the chain saw. Ron lies dead in the centre of the stage. Harry breaks down in tears "Nooooooooo, Ron don't die PLEASE, Ron, don't die on us, you have your whole life to live." Harry cries.

"What's that Harry?" Oh! I'm ready for my close up," says Ron walking onto the stage.

"Ron? Then who's that there?" asked Harry. They walk over to the fake Ron and pulled his face and off come a mask to revile Voldemort.

"But it can't be I killed him" cried Hermonie, so she pulls on the face again and off it comes a mask to revile Dumbledore.

"HOLY SHIT!!! Get your ugly little butt in here MR. HITMAN!!!" cries Hermonie. And on walks Eminem. "Your not my hit man" says Hermonie.

"I know, I killed him 2 days ago." Says Eminem.

"Oh, great!" said Harry "is everyone going to be killed in this story?"

"Nope, he was just a crap hit man," says Eminem "and I just hated steps, Begies and Britany spears. So well, I just felt like killing them when I was on the role."

There was a crash of symbols and evaporated into the clearing was Maeve and Kara. "Excuse me Hermonie!" says Maeve "You forgot your scarf at my house last night" Maeve hands Hermonie a scarf "Oh! And also I forgot to tell you I AM THE DARK MISTRESS WITH VOLDEMORT. Go back to being the goody-two-shoes that you were, unless you want to fight me, to become the Dark Mistress."

Hermonie runs over to Harry saying really really quickly "Forgive me Harry, please, I shouldn't have doubted you, forgiver me, please Harry, pretty please with a cherry on top, you really didn't believe all that Dark Mistress crap, did ya!"

"Calm down Hermonie." Says Harry "I forgive you and well, don't ever become a Dark Mistress, even if you did kill a Dark Lord or Mistress!"

"One sec Harry honey! Maeve before I hand back the role of Dark Mistress to you." Says Hermonie "I need to do one last thing"

Harry's eye flickered with fear as Hermonie extended her wand and without realisation she shouted "ACCIO SNAPE!!!!"

Snape zooms in – butt naked –on to the stage looking bewildered and Hemonie says "any last words Snapey Old Chap?"

"Mmmm, Yes!" says Snape "Where am I? And mmm well death is the next adventure!"

"OH JUST SHUT THE F**K UP!" says Hermonie "ADVARA KEVADRA!"

SNAPE DIES!!!

"Thank God, I really hated him," said Ron.

"NOW MAEVE! Now you can be the Dark Mistress AGAIN!" says Hermonie.

"I think we should have a party to celebrate all these beautiful deaths. I'll phone my lovely gorgeous Irish pals to come along and to join in!" said Maeve taking out her mobile phone!


	6. THE (Second) OF THE GRAND FANALY!

A/N; Sorry guys for making you wait soooo long for this chapter but I was being a lasy git and didn't want to write it up on the computer!!!

Catherine

Chapter 6!

Meave currently on her mobile. How does a witch sooooooooooo old know about mobiles, that is soooooooooooo muggleish, don't ask me any way.

"Oh hello Ronan darling, how you doing darling, I have a party go with you know that Harry Potter chap. And do bring along your dear friends what you call them? Oh yes Stevie, Shane, Mickye and Keith. And how about the budy boy band you know what you call them Eastlife, no no it's Northside, no that cant be it, Southpole. I know it I know it. Got it. WESTLIFE!!!"

Meave turns to the group of people, "Well the whole of the Irish music scene should be here, word spreads quick when I hold a party, wouldn't mind getting my hands on that Bono, now."

Ginny walks up to Meave, "Need a lend of ya phone, have to fonea show biz pal, you know how it is."

Meave hands Ginny the fone. Turns to everyone, "Well what we waiting for who's getting the food?"

George and Fred jumped, "We got a picnic with us here, we may be able to get more." The scene doesn't look safe for everyone, as the twins had a grin and a twinkle in their eyes!!!


	7. THE GRAND FANALY! (AT LAST!!!)

Chapter 7!

The Grand Fanaly (AT LAST)!

After many hours of running about and screaming, and in some cases turning into animals the party was finally set up, from Canary Creams to Mrs. Weasley's famous Chocolate cake.

After about 5 more minutes, which had millions of phone calls in it, a lot of popping started to be heard. Sorry that's only Neville after drinking WWW's Bubble Popping Lemonade. After about another 5 minutes hundreds of black, pink, turcoise, white and  tri-coloured limousines turned up.

And out hopped Ronan, Bono, Samantha Mumba, Bellefire, Bewitched, Westlife, the Corrs and many more Irish celebrateys.

For the next week the party had continued and no one realized because Voldemort had gained control of them and put a never-ending partying spell on them and trapped them in a snowglobe where anything was possible and Voldemort had control.

The End!

(Voldemort won if you didn't realize!)


End file.
